#ratchet in the first panel is me fr

[velvetwyrme]

bringing back the question for 2025: who in the autobots would fuck a car and/or have an sti

hi i thought too long and hard about this. then i made a silly comic about it which quickly got derailed into another silly bit. and then it kept getting longer and more terrible

i don't know whether you're the same person as the original anon or not but im gonna freakin cry either way. is this my legacy...

on one hand this ask gave me lots of motivation for some reason, so thank you for that, but on the other hand it motivated me to draw a 6 page comic about robot STIs.

i put too much effort into this lmao. for my actual conclusions AND some extra notes about the comic click the read more 👍

Ratchet: No and no. Has HAD STIs before. When he was younger. True across continuities except... in TFA he would have an STI. I can see it.

Ironhide: Yes carfucking, but I feel like the carfuckin was also a one time thing specifically. No STI. To quote my notes: "Frag no, Chromia or Ratch woukd kill him". Typo included.

Jazz: Yes carfucking, no STI because if he got one he'd be on top of treatment. Originally there was a bit in the comic with Jazz and Prowl arguing about which is worse: fuckin a car or havin a STI but it got cut because its already like 6 pages

Prowl: No carfucking and yes STI. He thinks carfucking is Really Weird. Wait. Purely off of vibes because I still haven't watched ES (someday...) but ES!Prowl would fuck a car.

Optimus: Who else do you think gave Megatron the STI? (/j /j... unless?) Carfucking and STI status varies wildly across continuities imo. G1? Yes and yes. IDW... depends on what point in time. I feel like its a yes to both but not at the same time. TFA would not fuck a car but he definitely has an STI. TFP! and ES! OP is a mystery to me, you guys can tell me if you have strong opinions on them. Hm. Armada OP would fuck a car.

Sideswipe: originally it WAS going to be him in the comic but as I mentioned, it got derailed. He'd absolutely give a car an STI.

Wheeljack/Trailbreaker/Hot Rod: Yeah, probably both. Maybe not at the same time though. Hot Rod was only so low on Prowls list because hes Literally Offworld but who knows what hes capable of.

Yes to carfucking, no STI: Lets see... Bumblebee, Cliffjumper (despite Prowl and Ironhide's assumption in the comic, THIS is my actual opinion lmao), I think Mirage would as well, but he'd vehemently deny it. Also *leans in close to the mic* Elita-1 would fuck a car. But she'd do it and it'd be like. Cool.

No to carfucking, yes STI: *long pause as i look into the middle distance* mmm...Smokescreen. I don't know much about TFP!Smokescreen but he can get lumped in there too. Sunstreaker as well, but more because he says he didn't fuck a car but he could be lying and you genuinely can't tell if he is. Also Brawn for some reason.

As for other characters elsewhere... Rodimus is a strong contender for giving a car an STI. So is Whirl, but I feel like he's slightly less likely to have an STI, yknow? Only slightly.

Other notable ones I think would have both but NOT at the same time: Swerve, Skids, Drift (specifically because of Rodimus because even if they don't fuck they seem like the type of friends who share drinks), I think First Aid fits in here too, and is the only medic who would have an STI that I can think of off the top of my head. Oh also Armada!Jetfire.

I also think that the Aerialbots are all contenders for this category too. Some more than others but it wouldn't matter because they all end up with an STI and it's miserable.

ALSO...

The alternate punchline to the comic, had it been set on the Lost Light, is... a meeting (in which the general consensus is that Rodimus fucked the car that mysteriously appeared on the Lost Light, AND he gave it an STI)

Then, Nightbeat bursts in with Brainstorm in tow, and he reveals that it was in fact Brainstorm's fault- NOT because he fucked the car (he's far more interested in er... lab equipment, lets say) BUT he made a gun that fucks cars, and accidentally gave the GUN a STI

ALSO SIDEBURN FROM TF:RID (2001). he would ABSOLUTELY fuck a car and give it an STI. He canonically loves red sportscars and you KNOW that mans got an STI.

[revelboo]

YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE IT LIKE THAT FOR METROPLEX WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WHY IS RATCHET RUNNING TELLL ME PLSSS

No, but fr it so good the fic I'm invested 🤧 let our big boy be okay

Alright, alright! 😂

I Can Feel You Pt 16

Metroplex x Reader

• You're so used to being seen by Metroplex, treated like an equal by him that you'd forgotten that to most of the Autobots, you're so small you're an afterthought if even that. Trying to figure out what's going on, what's wrong as you're ignored. Or outright grabbed and moved out of the way as they rush about. Catching bits and pieces of their worried conversations. A malfunctioning, secret space bridge hidden within Metroplex that's tearing him apart from the inside out. Back hitting a wall in medbay, you slide down to sit as the Autobots grab things and run off and fear claws at you. Returning for more supplies and running back to their work. Ignoring you as you come apart in their rush to contain and repair the damage to their home. Their city. Your friend. Legs drawn up against yourself, you wrap your arms around your legs and hate how small you are. How useless, because you can't help. All you can do is get in the way. No matter what you do, it's never enough is it?

• Where are you? Aware of the Autobots working inside him to stabilize that bridge, he can't find you among them. And part of him is thankful, because he wants you nowhere near the danger, but hates not knowing where you are. Attention stretched so thin, he can't search the way he'd like. Trying to do everything in his power to help them in their efforts to save him. Time becomes a confusing haze to him, not that it was ever that easy for him to grasp anyway, moving so much slower for him than everyone else. But finally, it's over. His space bridge stabilizing, no longer killing him. Sinking deeper into himself, he finds Scamper, sinks a thought into the drone and then dives through his systems, freed from the pain and the constant division of having to keep half his attention focused on not being torn apart. Searching for Six-Gun and Slammer and hooking thoughts into them. Rerouting systems to repair the other two drones. For the first time in so long feeling whole and it's all because of you. Where are you, little one?

• Big hands cup your cheek, and you make a soft sound, half-awake as arms slide under you and you're lifted against a warm frame. Ratchet moving you out of the way? Not sure how long you'd been waiting for news, but you'd fallen into an exhausted sleep. Eyes opening, you look up and see the now familiar face of the drone. See that head tip to stare at you. "Rest now. All's well." And you're struggling in his arms, hooking your own arms around his neck and holding on. Feel his arms tighten around you in return, holding you as you hide your face against him. Feeling all that fear and worry just ebbing away as his cheek brushes your own and then he's walking again. Not even surprised when he carries you down inside him. Though your head turns when two more mass displaced bots drift out of the shadows and fall in just behind the drone carrying you. The other drones? Watching the way they move, you're almost positive. "Slammer and Six-Gun," the one carrying you says.

• Do they make you nervous? Knows the drones are unsettling to the other Autobots, but you just turn to watch them with open curiosity. Accepting this part of him as easily as you accept the rest of him and it spreads warm through him. He carries you to that hidden node bathed in the light of his spark and watches your face tip up toward his spark, lit by the glow as tendrils arc toward you, but not quite able to reach. Wanting to make that connection, but he's already asked so much more of you than he should have. Can't ask for everything else as he lowers you to your feet in front of the node and the tendrils at the base uncoil as the panels protecting the node unfurl. "You're okay now, right? Whole?" You look from the node to his spark suspended above you pulsing, then to Slammer. And you reach out, trusting yourself to him.

• One minute your fingers are brushing that warmth, the next you're swimming in light and weightless. Don't see Metroplex until his arms come around you, palms sliding against your arms as you're gathered into him. Wrapping himself around you as you relax. "Because of you, I'm whole," he murmurs, lips brushing your cheek and like before you're not sure how real this is when you can feel him against you, the warmth of his frame, the pulse of his spark. "My precious, little one." Big hands slide against yours and you press your palms against his smiling at how little your hands are in his as you interlace your fingers with his servos. And a fragile part of yourself you hate had been afraid that once he was no longer hurt, was whole, he'd lost interest in you. That he'd only needed someone to hear him and help him and that he wouldn't care anymore. That you'd be alone again. Feeling his lips brush your neck, it's a struggle to not start crying because he still needs you here. Wants you.

Previous

[valve3nthusiast]

Rodimus gets pregnant with a conjunxed mech's baby, serious/angsty version. We need more fucked up dratchrod fr

I can't believe the first ever fanfiction I write is Ratchet doing medical malpractice lmao

Fuckin,,, uh,,, warning for mention of miscarriage/imagined threat to an unborn child??? I feel like I should warn for that.

Ratchet liked to believe he tolerated Rodimus with the same grace he gave to the rest of Drift's most ridiculous eccentricities. Just because they were conjunxed, didn't mean they were perfectly in tune and of the same opinion on everything. Every relationship had to have some give and take.

At the very least, Rodimus was cheaper than the crystal collection.

But that did mean he had to hear more about Rodimus than he ever really wanted to. And when Drift started expressing his concerns about "Roddy not feeling "himself"'...

A suspicion had crept over him, like a coolant rupture slowly freezing his energon lines.

Rodimus walked into the medbay, aiming for flippantly casual and falling just short of the mark. Rodimus tended to avoid the medbay when Ratchet was on shift. Even discounting that, he could see what Drift meant about that "disturbed energy" nonsense. Rodimus's field was noticeably (at least, for a medic) pulsing at a lower frequency.

"So what did you call me down for, doc?"

Ratchet got straight to the point. He didn't have the patience for anything else.

"I need to do an examination." He gestured vaguely to the table. "Up you go."

Rodimus took one look at the medberth configuration and snickered. Climbing up and putting his legs into position, he started, "If this is your way of saying you want a threesome-"

"Can it." He snapped, working the latches on the stirrups.

Rodimus, legs spread, reclined on the exam table. Ratchet found he had even less of a tolerance than usual for Rodimus's chatter, though it was more in the vein of nervous rambling.

"I don't have a virus, doc, you would know," he said, with an obnoxious little browplate wiggle. Ratchet deliberately tuned him out, especially the uptick of irrelevant and vaguely sexual comments once he brought out the speculum. Thankfully, Rodimus still retracted his panel without a fight.

Rodimus had a larger than average anterior node, and line of biolights trailing down his valve lips that matched the node's vibrant red color. As Ratchet spread his slit and inserted the speculum, he saw that the internal lights were the same.

It's a very pretty valve. He can see why Drift would like it.

Unfortunately, he can't confirm the absence of what he's looking for with a visual alone. (Not to mention that the pulsing and flaring of internal biolights wasn't helping visibility any.)

Ratchet gently removed the speculum, ignoring the strings of lubricant that stretched and snapped between the tool and Rodimus.

"I'm going to have to do a manual examination. Try not to flex your calipers or pelvic floor."

Rodimus squeaked out something affirmative. Ratchet pressed two fingers into his valve, but was unsurprised to note that he'd need to insert more to find what he was looking for.

...Rodimus was silken smooth to the touch. He straightend four fingers and slowly pushed in further, firmly ignoring how the soft and wet valve lining trembled around his hand, until Rodimus's anterior node met the dip between his thumb and palm.

With most patients, he wouldn't insert something this big in one go, but it was Rodimus. Ratchet would bet he'd taken something bigger in the past day.

His fingertips ghosted across Rodimus's ceiling node, before finally finding the forge iris.

And confirming his suspicion.

"Congratulations. You're sparked." Even with how distant his own voice sounded to his audials, he could tell it was bitingly cold. Unfortunately, it's not viable, he doesn't say, fingertips gently pressed to the seal, soft, perfectly intact. The gestational seal that protects the protoform appears to have already ruptured. Your systems will register the breach as a confirmed contamination of foreign bodies, and terminate the protoform.

Ratchet looks up, finally, to see Rodimus.

There's a subtle tremor on his lips. Fear, in his matrix-blue eyes. His spark, suddenly, feels flayed open under them.

It could be in reaction to the news. Ratchet knows it isn't. He knows:

Rodimus is scared of him.

His fingers were absentmindedly stroking over the seal, and he nearly snatched them back like they'd been burned. The hand that calmly pulls out of Rodimus's valve doesn't feel like his.

For one delirious moment, he wondered if Rodimus would do just that. Light up his ridiculous mod, and burn the three of them to death together. All of them gone, in one final moment of complete and total devastation.

Drift, entirely alone, with only the memory of a conjunx to cling to. Nothing left to tell him of the sparkling he would never know he had.

The moment ends. Ratchet finds that he's the one rambling now, statistics about carriages, essential nutrients, general hazards. Somewhere in all of that, Rodimus gets unbuckled from the medberth.

He rattles out something about scheduling him regular check ups with First Aid.

And,

"I'll leave you to tell Drift the good news."

Ratchet can't look at him when he says it.

Rodimus leaves his medbay without any further commentary.

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 18

lets goooo

I love the ‘no guns no swords no briefcases’ sign sm

NEVER over the ‘my first blaster(tm): big grip for little hands’ fucking iconic

‘get the hell out of my bar’ swerve lmao ily

so now we continue on with the remain in light arc, this issue subtitled ‘house of ambus,’ which is a dopeass name and also promises some ambus lore, which is exciting

first aid holding his gun sideways like a gangsta lmao I canttt

forgot there's literally a guy named dipstick LMAOOOOO that's funny on so many levels like...it sounds like dipshit, and also a urine dipstick is a urine test used to detect various stuff so that's the first thing I think of...what a name

‘put two and two together and make it a fist’ skids ily sm

pharma is in full-on dr thot mode over here, oh boy

lockdown looks like such a nerd on his edgy decepticon hoverboard

the fact that cyclonus immediately goes along w/whirls suggestion to disobey rodimus and attack the enemy....both of them are icons

OOOH ALL THE TITANS...that's such a good panel 

ok but I cant get over how lowkey funny it is that there's this battle going on rn where most of the participants can turn into various vehicles, but they're all riding around on dorky air scooters instead. this series, man

well, at least chromedome transformed

I fucking love that rodimus is always doing this like, ridiculous 80s action movie nonsense, I feel like that's perfect considering his g1 debut was in a ridiculous 80s action movie

poor tg just found out he’s gonna die in like 3 days and then rodimus immediately is like ‘wanna make that today?’ and does some crazy shit while tg clings to him like a terrified baby

rodimus mid-car transformation is fucking wild lmao

and now we finally get to see a bit more of what’s going on with our framing device flash-forward - it’s not just rodimus, everyone’s there! except ratchet...also, they’re in jail. woohoo!

and then there’s magnus, looking completely healthy but strangely unresponsive...

TYREST....this motherfucker....he is like, SO MUCH. the cape...the helmet crown thing...the holes....

tyrest told rodimus to ‘shut up or be held in contempt’ ayyyyyyyyyyyy

‘crimes against creation’ that's pretty dramatic dude

Let The Robots Swear!!

ok but rlly I find it funny that they're not allowed to say swear words (I'm assuming its not allowed rather than it being a creative choice) but all the death and violence and body horror is ok

chromedome is sitting there like oh holy shit did I find my now-dead husbands missing 1st husband after millions of years, like a WEEK after my husband died

chromedome mimicking the moustache with his finger...cute

its interesting to see a ‘sibling’ type of relationship here, since that's really uncommon for tfs since they don't really have families/lineage - of course, we don't really get to see dominus and minimus interact (until the FU), so

minimus really tried to pass himself off as a law-breaking smuggler lmaoooo that was never gonna work mdude

like he just continues acting exactly like ultra magnus except he pretends not to know these guys lol

‘forceful expressions of innocence’ tailgate ily

poor tg :( 

OH GOD pharma time. he’s out here looking totally unhinged and also thotty somehow, like usual

I SO subscribe to the idea that ratchet and pharma are exes are pharma still isn't over ratchet. that's the most entertaining and interesting way to read their interactions imo

dual chainsaw hands.....Bruh.

skiiiiiiiiiiiids....I love skids, he’s just such a good dude

also he’s really cool and also sexy. I feel like if anyone would be the mary sue of the series it would be skids rather than rung lmao 

oh shit I forgot skids gets skewered by star saber

aaaaaand ratchet’s in the box!!!! jesus pharma just say you kin the joker and go

HOW is ratchet alive tho like....wouldn't he need energon?? isn't energon basically blood for them, but also food, and fuel, and basically everything? I don't get it but yknow what, ill suspend my disbelief bc its so entertaining 

see, the little backstory on tyrest is really interesting, cause it seems to me that at one point, tyrest did have the best interests of the cybertronian people in mind, and he really did stand for true justice and tried to end the war peacefully - but somewhere along the way things went bad, and now here he is

oh rung, scolding somebody for revealing top secret information, that’s rich coming from mr hipaa violations himself 

lmao and minimus cant restrain himself from scolding rodimus either, and then very obviously fishing for information so he can ask questions without it being clear that he already knew all about the lost light 

vhbjahdbhjhdf im NEVER over rung passive-aggressively antagonizing minimus so he can accuse him of being ultra magnus hvbhjkdnfssfhsabjhdfk that's so funny

also its another example of rung maybe not being the best at his job - he’s basically manipulating magnus’s OCD to try to force minimus into revealing his identity...ethical? perhaps not. effective? oh yeah

I mean I guess you could say this is an example of rung being really good at his job, bc he was able to use psychology to deduce minimus’s identity...it’s more like he also decided to disregard medical ethics and ethics in general 

and then the reveal....ultra magnus is actually a much smaller green dude?! whaaaat!? 

ill talk more about it later but fr this is one of my favorite concepts that mtmte introduced, I fucking love it 

ahhhh I love this issue. tho tbh I love basically every issue. anyways tho I love the continuation of ratchet and pharma’s story, with pharma officially going off the rails with some complete bullshit, and also the big reveal about magnus/minimus! great stuff

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 15

death awaits!

oh god the cover. I aint ready 

the cover of overlords open mouth w/rodimus floating inside or w/e,,,,the overlord mouth fixation continues i see

and of COURSE its by nick roche. of course

oh god the tension and dread in the first page, as we get overlords sinister promise to murder everyone, starting with rewind, and then seeing chromedome rush over to open the door, and knowing that 30 minutes have passed already...

that full page spread of everyone vs overlord is amazing

also I always thought that ambulon was trying to kick overlord but now that I look closer he’s actually jumping away from overlord, having just crashed one of those hover...thingys....into him...which is honestly cool as hell. also I'm never over the fact that ambulon kinda looks like he’s smiling here, just having a grand ole time as overlord tries his best to murder everyone

and chromedome just seeing this and saying ‘rewind?’ is fucking killing me thanks

PIPES NO DONT DO THIS. YOURE JUST RUBBING SALT IN THE WOUND. PLEASE don't talk about how much fun you're having on your wacky space adventure oh god, that’s just asking to be murdered,

GOD AND THERE HE GOES, DRIVING TO HIS DOOM. PIPES NO

AUGHHHHHHHHHH AND THERES OVERLORD WITH HIS GIANT FOOT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

PIIIIIPES ;_; 

his messed up goodbye thoughts are brutal...plus the final shot of him laying all busted up....god :( 

that guy seriously had some awful luck this trip. rip lil guy

BUT he sounded the alarm!!! so good for him!! that's a pretty amazing final act right there

oh my god I forgot abt this scene where rewind is like ‘so brainstorm why is my husband saying your name in his sleep :))))’ and brainstorm is like ‘haha idk its certainly not because we’re working on a secret project together, so jot that down!’ lmao brainstorm....

also dw rewind brainstorm is not fucking ur husband, just look at his evidentially extensive collection of perceptor-style microscopes...my man is microscopesexual 

I forgot abt the metabomb omfg

‘some of my favorite words are monosyllabic’ rodimus ily, himbo of my heart,

fort max :( rung :( 

oughhghghg I forgot abt the scene of tailgate making cyclonus a new horn ;_; and then cyclonus materializes menacingly bc tg dared to volunteer their room for movie night hvbfshdjkfbaskj cyclonus anti-social icon

AUGHHHH GOD THE PANEL OF RATCHET TALKING ON THE COMMS AND OVERLORD IS JUST, RIGHT BEHIND HIM, WITH HIS BIG STUPID LIPS, OH MY GOD

what the fuck, is drift a flying car??? hello??? what the hell????

seriously he’s got like, rockets and shit, what the fuck

anyways, the entire exchange b/w ratchet and drift here kills me, for multiple reasons.... ‘my faith and my sword’ lmao love it. and then ratchet refusing to leave drift and calling him his friend ;_; aughhh

rodimus w/the squad like ‘lets go gays!!!’ 

also I guess cosmos WAS on the lost light lol, totally didn't remember that, I'm guessing he left at some point to go be in the other series lmao 

I'm sorry but ‘amazing. you speak entirely in name’ is so fucking funny, but also like stfu overlord you're not allowed to be funny

MAGNUSSSSSSSS

now I'm confusing myself lmao, rodimus DID know abt overlord, didn't he??? wasn't that the whole thing???? I don't remember if he was involved w/the whole mnemosurgery plan but he at least knew that overlord was there...but we haven't been told that in-story yet so now I'm questioning that lmao

oh god I forgot that overlord almost kills magnus, jeeeeesus. good thing he’s a russian nesting doll otherwise he probably would've died fr 

also damn that's gotta be scary for everyone else, bc magnus is The Big Guy, and a renown fighter...plus drift got all fucked up...yall are in for a bad time 

tailgate gettin his panic on I see

swerve w/the meta narration lmao 

cyclonus ily sm.......

rodimus charging at overlord....ohhh my boy not your best idea

cd and rewind both saying ‘I thought you were dead!’ HHHHHHHH I'm destroyed fuck it all

rodimus (inadvertently) saving the day by saying ‘til all are one’...iconic!!

FORT MAX IS HEREEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

drift just casually chillin w/no legs

chromedome going into extreme detail about all the mnemosurgery he’s been doing on overlord for WEEKS while rewind is Right There....my dude.

this issue has a LOT of completely white backgrounds but I cant even rlly blame milne bc this seems like more drawing work than usual

oh god cd don't say ‘we’ll finish this conversation later’ at a time like this, that’s never a good idea,

rewind no don't do it :( :( :( 

that panel of cd’s arm getting cut off...AUGHHH

GODDDDDDD IM FUCKING CRYING. AUGHHHHHHHHHHH I.....

so incredibly fucked that cd does what’s best for rewind by blowing the pod up....hhhhh god 

and then that last panel of cd laying on the ground....fucking destroy me!!!!!!!!

also I love that at the beginning of the issue we see whirl with the missile launcher thing, and that’s what cd uses at the end here....good bookends. jro is really great about putting stuff in the story that just seems like innocuous filler/fun character building but turns out to ALSO be plot relevant later

HOLY SHIT I forgot about the cast page with the big red X’s thru the dead people’s profiles....jesus christ 

AUGH this issue was a rollercoaster, phew...and the emotionally devastating conclusion to this arc is still yet to come! 

I will say that it’s super interesting looking back on this, in the sense that rewind & chromedome are introduced as the first ever gay tf couple, and a few issues after we get told this explicitly, rewind is killed. this doesn't really end up being an issue representation-wise bc literally everyone is gay and there are a bunch of other significant gay characters/relationships later on, AND rewind comes back later 

but still! it’s interesting to think about how, at the time this came out, the phrase/concept ‘bury your gays’ wasn't really something that was talked about a lot (or like, it was, but not as often as nowadays, and not really under the term ‘bury your gays’ iirc), but at the time of publication this would have fallen under that trope (though rewind coming back later negates it imo). I think it would've been tough for this story to come out nowadays due to the backlash that would've occurred from rewind’s initial death (it also makes me wonder if there was any backlash when this DID come out) 

to be clear, this isn't a writing criticism - in fact, the reason this is able to work at all is because of the crazy amount of representation mtmte has. it’s like, youre able to kill off gay characters without it being ‘bury your gays’ if literally all your characters are gay by default, and there are a bunch of significant gay relationships happening - technically speaking, any death in mtmte is bury your gays lmao 

this is a completely disjointed rant but my point is like, if this issue came out in 2020 people would probably be pretty put off by rewind dying (understandably), but in the context of the series as a whole I don't consider this to be bad writing/bad representation/bury your gays 

and like, WERE people really mad about this in 2013? I am curious now, bc I would definitely feel kinda betrayed if I didn't know all the stuff that happens later 

but its pretty nice, because now I'm free to enjoy the writing and be emotionally devastated by rewinds death in a normal way, and not a ‘I'm angry at the writers for killing off one of the only gay characters’ kinda way

anyways I'm tired as hell so I'm going to bed, ill continue the emotional devastation later, phew